Without Meaning To I Opened My Mouth
by XxSebastin'sXLittleXRobinxX
Summary: After Kanda gets injured on a mission he realizes that he will die soon. With that knowledge he is ready to say those three forbidden words...LaviYuu Warnings: BoyXBoy, Charatcer Death, OOCness


Without Meaning To I Opened My Mouth

Pairing: LaviYuu or KandaLavi (However you want to see it)

Warnings: Character Death, BoyXBoy, OOCness (I tried to write as little oocness as possible, but I think it failed XP)

I do not own D. Gray Man or any of its characters

If there are any spelling/grammar mistakes I apologize.

I hope you enjoy^^

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_I never knew how lonely I really was._

_I never knew how lonely drifting in this dark abyss could be._

_I had made a promise long ago._

_A promise that turned into my goal to find that person before I die. I pushed everyone away as much as I could in order to complete this promise, this goal. The sad thing is I am still in the same spot I started. I am nowhere near completing my goal. Somewhere down the road the lines blurred and now I think, no I know, I am going to die very soon. I do not see my goal anymore, but their faces. The people stupid enough to keep trying. To keep trying to break through my hard surface._

_I even see that baka usagi grinning like he always does. Along with moyashi yelling that his name is Allen. Even Lenalee's big watery eyes were staring at me. I used to know what I wanted, now I am not so sure. Dying that's what is happening to me now and I still don't know what I want. That is until I see a flash of flaming red hair, an excited emerald green eye, and wide grin._

_Lavi_

_Why am I remembering him now?_

_Why does his face fill me with a warm feeling?_

_More importantly why does the thought of never seeing him again hurt so much. I can feel a warm wet feeling falling on to my cheek. Where is it coming from?_

Eyelids fluttered open revealing two dark sapphire eyes. The darkness turned into blinding white lights and the silence was broken by loud uncontrollable sobbing. More warm wet droplets fell on his cheek. He kept his eyes on the ceiling as he attempt to move his arm. Lithe fingers touched something soft which caused him to turn his head. A groan escaped his dry lips as he forced sore muscles to move.

Dark blue eyes settled on a bright mess of red hair surrounding a pale face. One dull tear filled green eye met his stare. Flexing his fingers he felt the soft red locks before trailing his hand down the other's face. Stopping to caress the soft pale cheek and lightly rub the black eye patch. The slight blurriness to his vision cleared allowing him to see the other more clearly. The redhead's eye had dark circles under it making his skin look a little gray. It was not much, but he could tell the other's cheeks were slightly sunken in like he had not eaten in a few days.

Worry.

Fear.

Sadness.

Relief.

Hope.

Joy.

They all shown across the redhead's face while more crystal clear tears fell from his single green eye. Without warning the other leaped from his chair to wrap his arms around the dark blue eyed man. An excited cry broken up by his tears left the redhead's lips.

"Y-Yuu!"

Warm wet tear tracks splashed his bare bandaged chest as he closed his eyes. Liking the feel of the other's warmth even if the hug hurt. Carefully Kanda wrapped his own lithe arm around the redhead.

"Why are you crying, Baka Usagi?"

"I-I thought you we-were going to d-d-die."

Moving his arm the Japanese exorcist rubbed Lavi's back soothingly. He didn't have the heart. He did not have the heart to tell Lavi that his time was coming. So instead he lied.

"You know I can't die." Kanda said making the other lift his head just a bit. Their faces were close only a few inches separating them. Both could feel the other's warm breathe brush their skin.

"Not if I'm going to leave a sad little rabbit behind."

A small sad yet genuine smile lit Lavi's face as he took in Kanda's words. Lips brushed against one another. The kiss was soft and chaste at first, but soon it changed. More pressure was added creating a warm feeling that spread through their bodies. It was different from all their other kisses.

The redhead tried to come up with words to describe this.

To describe all the emotion running through that one kiss.

Only to fail completely.

One four letter word did cross his mind, but Lavi quickly threw it away before it could in grain itself into him. Even through he didn't want to Lavi knew he had to pull away. Sapphire eyes stared into one watery green orb with a tender expression. So many emotions passed through Kanda's un-guarded eyes and the redhead couldn't give any one of them a name. Resting his head in the Japanese exorcist's neck Lavi tighten his arms around the other.

It was quiet for serval moments, both happy and content to enjoy one another's warmth. During those moments Lavi had climbed onto the bed and snuggled up to Kanda's side. His face was still pressed against the long haired exorcist's neck. A hand softly threaded through his red locks while his own twirled around obsidian strands. Sighing at the contact Lavi snuggled closer to Kanda.

"Lavi"

Tilting his head up Lavi watched as Kanda stared at the white ceiling. The other having felt him look up continued to speak. Completely shocking Lavi and rendering him speechless.

"I...Love you."

A warm happy bubble expanded in his chest, but panic also bloomed. This was the first time either of them had acknowledged that unspoken emotion.

They both knew it was growing in them just under the surface.

They both knew it was best to ignore.

To not think about it.

To not speak it or let it show.

It was so much better to just leave it because then it wouldn't hurt as bad when they parted. However, whenever, that may happen they knew it was going to come no matter what. Lifting himself up Lavi hovered over Kanda looking into those beautiful dark blue eyes. Smiling a pained smile the redhead spoke.

"Yuu." His voice was shaky yet strong. Raising a hand he caressed the soft skin of the long haired exorcist's cheek. He watched Kanda close his eyes and lean into his touch.

"Saying that is breaking the rules."

"Che."

Kanda moved his head away from the redhead's hand. A sadden smile continued to grace Lavi's lips. Taking both sides of the other's head into his hands the redhead rested his forehead against Kanda's.

"I wasn't finished yet, Yuu-chan." Keeping his eyes closed the Japanese exorcist focused on Lavi's touch and breathed in that old book and ink smell.

"I love ya, too."

They kissed once more, gentle and loving. After they broke apart Lavi carefully lay his body on top of Kanda's before burying his face into the Japanese exorcist's neck. Quietly he mumbled into the other's skin.

"This is only going to end in pain."

Inhaling the soap and lotus smell the redhead relaxed. It didn't last long as an angry shout came from outside the infirmary's doors.

"LAVI!"

Fear gripped his feeling heart as the redhead heard Bookman's voice. Reluctantly, but quickly he got up from Kanda. Lightly running his fingers over the other's arm and cheek before lightly playing with a lock of black hair. Not wanting to anger Bookman further Lavi walked to the door. A thick wall of anger, fear, and tension weigh down the very air as the door silently opened and closed.

Bookman glared at Lavi the second the door opened, the old panda was staring him down. He knew instantly that this was not good. It now went far pass the many lectures, arguments is what they really were, about staying objective and not getting attached. Bookmen have no need of a heart blah, blah, blah. By the anger and out right fury in those heavily darken eyes Lavi understood long before the words came out of Bookman's mouth.

"I am done with lectures. I am done with warnings, punishments, and I am done giving you chances," he paused watching his young apprentice closely. "We are leaving tonight...Go get packed."

And like that he was off down the hall toward their room, mostly. Lavi felt a black hole suck back his feeling heart leaving him empty just like before. Bookman's steps thudding against the ground vibrated his body, each one sounding more finally then the last. His emerald eye began to water again, but he held it back and swallowed it up.

Putting on a guise that he knew could fool everyone expect Yuu. The pain burned in his veins and muscles like an Akuma bullet piercing through him or like when he lost his eye all those years ago. He immersed himself in this pain wanting to feel it before it had to be locked away. So lost in that pain was he that Lavi almost didn't hear Bookman's last words.

"I'll give you sometime to say good-bye to him, but when its time you better be ready."

Lavi nodded while smiling a grateful smile. Standing outside the infirmary doors he wondered what he would say to Kanda. Pushing them open the redhead was almost relived to find the Japanese exorcist was asleep. His long black hair was spread out underneath him and his dark blue eyes were closed. Lavi wished he could see them once more. Fighting with himself on wether he should wake the other or not. Half fearing Kanda was already gone never to wake again. It seemed that thought decided for him as the redhead walked over to the hospital bed.

He took another moment to just stand there and record everything he could about the other.

He took in the slightly frowning lips Kanda wore even in his sleep.

Took in the way the moonlight shined on him making his black hair shimmer and skin glow.

Ethereal through and through.

Always looking like a dark winged angel that was cast out of heaven. Lavi's eye crinkled as his smile grew wider at the thought. Lithe fingers brushed all over that pale skin, feeling its soft texture. Muscles contracted under his touch as Kanda shivered slightly in his sleep. Tears were welling up in Lavi's eye again as he stroke soft obsidian locks. It was all too much, just too damn much.

He was being ripped apart from the inside out and stitched back up, only to be ripped apart again. The hammer wielding exorcist couldn't take all the pain. His head felt like it was going to explode. Crying would help...It would release some of the pressure, but he could not do it. The tears would not fall. They just teased him by hanging on and never letting go. Leaning down Lavi brushed his lips against the other's. Stroking his pale cheeks and brushed away black strands of hair.

"Good-bye, Yuu-chan," he whispered before moving to Kanda's ear. "Please hear me when I say I love you." And with one final kiss Lavi left closing the door behind him. Only to leave an hour later with Bookman.

_I heard him._

_Heard everything he said to me as he thought I slept._

_I heard the good-bye and his quiet I love you._

_Deep down when those same three words left my mouth I knew it would end very soon. Only I figure I would die and he would stay not the other way around. Everyone mopped from days and were in hysterics when I awoke a few days later. Apparently I wasn't fully healed and my waking that evening was just the final good-bye it was meant to be. I wasn't even shocked to enter my room, eyes landing on the lotus, only to find one wrinkled dull petal left. I was not even surprised._

_It happened two weeks after Lavi left. The ending of my days, I could feel it, see it, and coughed it up in streams of crimson liquid. That flowed from my mouth like a small waterfall trickling into a koi pond. I indulged the other's who knew something was wrong, but couldn't tell, by spending as much time with them as I could. Mostly just sitting there listening to them talk. Their most common subject was something I wanted to let go of if only for the moment. Even if they did not know it I came to spend time with them, not to sit and talk about Lavi's so called disappearance._

_"I wonder what happened," Lenalee had mused worriedly yet again. "Do you think something bad happen or that he just left?...Kanda-kun what do you think?" I closed my eyes as I hugged Mugen to my chest, arms wrapped around it. Another spell was coming in moments. I could already feel the nausea. If I did not hurry soon I would be vomiting blood all over the floor. Shaking my head I answered with the truth I knew they could not believe. Or did not want to._

_"He left. Him and Bookman went away."_

_No time for responses or confused looks. I got up my head spining while bile colored blood red was raising in my throat. Feet moving swiftly I left. Mugen still held tightly to my chest as sweat rolled down my cheek. I could feel my color draining and soon I could not even stand. Collapsing to the floor I let the red river flow. Spilling it all over the stone floor. Struggling to get up I heard the pounding of feet running toward me._

_My secret was exposed for all to carry. Lenalee was sobbing in the background as moyashi tried calming her down and helping me up. I was half dragged, half carried to the infirmary before I lost consciousness. That incident happened during the beginning of the second week. They kept me locked away in that hospital only letting me out if someone was with me._

_"Just in case something happens." The head nurse had said. Spreading like wildfire in horribly concealed whispers._

_"Did you hear Kanda Yuu is going to die."_

_"That's horrible, I don't know how to feel. I mean he was a huge asshole."_

_"Yeah...They say he has only days maybe a week or two left."_

_I heard them and didn't care because Lavi was louder._

_'Good-bye, Yuu-chan'_

_'I love you'_

_Two days before my time I let the tears fall instead of holding them back in. They fell down my expressionless face as it was finally hitting me that I would never see Lavi again or hear his voice. So that night as I cried I looked at the stars and moon thinking about him and only him._

_His smile._

_His annoying bright red hair that was as red as the late sunset._

_Emerald green eye so full of amusement, happiness._

_That hid something dark and unpleasant in it._

_His fake over the top smiles, acting, and over all cheeriness._

_It used to make my sick to know I was the only one to see the darker emotions in Lavi. The only one not buying his act and it still does. But I am happy because only I know the real Lavi minus Bookman of course. The tears fell and I remembered some much. Each memory always including him and the sad truth that I was going to die._

_It was my last day, it was the end. But I did not know it at the time. I wanted to be in my room, alone and so I went not telling anyone. I walked through the halls with a snail pace taking everything in. Sub-consciously I think I knew and wanted to take one last look at my 'home' before I couldn't anymore._

_The lotus petal was utterly sad. All wrinkled and crumpled with hardly any pink. Just a dull gray wilting stub. I watched with sad eyes as it imploded in on itself and fell to the bottom of the hourglass. Everyone is wrong when the say dying doesn't hurt. I felt my ripping organs being torn apart inside me. Felt my head explode and my heart shriveled up before becoming ash._

_I fell to the floor convulsing. Vomiting blood everywhere as tears stained my cheeks. The pain was unbearable so I screamed and sobbed while calling out to a certain redheaded apprentice bookman. In the end I became numb, but only for the last minute of my life. I used my last breathe to whisper the most truest words I have ever said._

_I could feel the life draining from my eyes, the strength leave my body, and my soul drift away. It was over I was gone and never coming back. Never to see Lavi again and to be honest that is all I ever cared about._

_"I love you, Lavi."_

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Hope you enjoyed it and Please Review^^

XxSebastin'sXLittleXRobinxX


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